i think about you all the time too
At 32 years old, I thought I knew what love was. I had a boyfriend in my early 20s, I dated him for 5 years. We’re still friends, and I have a ton of love for him. When I was going through my darkest days of depression, I knew I could send him a message at almost any time of the day and he would respond. But nothing prepared me for this guy
This man came out of nowhere. He came out of nowhere and completely swept me off my feet when I least expected it. He quickly became one of my favorite people. He left an ineffable mark on me.
He is the person I instinctively want to turn to when I need help or when I have an exciting or not so exciting life update. When you care for someone, you study everything about them; their likes and dislikes, their birthmarks, their thinking face, the little shimmy they do when music from high school plays. You learn to love the quirks that make them unique. Before you know it, you know where everything in their apartment is, you have a toothbrush in a cubby under the sink and a designated side of the bed. Their loud snores that scared you at first turn into lullabies and you look forward to waking up next to them ready for a stinky morning breath kiss.
If we’re being real, I guess I knew from day 1 that I was in trouble. The start could be the start of any coming of age romance, because of course, he found me on Instagram and replied to one of my stories. He asked me out to dinner the following Friday, it was last minute, I did a terrible job packing for this trip. I wasn’t expecting to go on any meet and greets while I was out here. I’ve never met up with anyone off Instagram like this, much less someone I had only been talking to for a few days.
I honestly didn’t know it was a date until half way through when i thought to myself “oh shit, this is a date and fuuuuck, I think I like him, I like him a lot”. We went from restaurant to bar until everything closed down, then we talked and walked around until 4am: ideal first date.
I WAS SHOCKED, FLABBERGASTED, IN COMPLETE DISBELIEF. I have literally never felt so strongly for anyone and I couldn't believe it, I still can’t believe it. I was doing things I thought were dorky — sitting on the same side of the table, hugging from behind, sharing and feeding him my food.. Steve Harvey!! save me!! I knew I should have never kissed him or kept seeing him but it was impossible, I couldn't stay away. I was so at ease and I felt so safe with him, the vibes were perfect and we meshed so well. I couldn’t help myself.
We were together for months, and suddenly, it was over. It feels like I had a best friend die. It’s so unfortunate to lose your favorite person.
I’ve done many things in the time since the end of our relationship to try to get over it. Everything I have tried has done the opposite of erase him and has made me miss him more because he is the person I would reflect back on these experiences with.
I’ve asked people what they do to get over someone and it’s always the most asinine advice — out of sight out of mind, become what you loved about them, love yourself more, get over someone by getting under someone else, practice the law of detachment. I already am, I do those things. Sleeping with other people doesn't feel good, no one loves me more than I love me. I’ve pleaded to the trees, the birds, my therapist, to the universe to make me forget him. I was down so bad, I had to do one of the most desperate things!!!! —— I opened up emotionally to my mom.
I sit here reflecting on our time together like a Latina Carrie Bradshaw, Carolina Bradshaw, if you will, thinking about how I’ve been using others as pain reliever trying to get over him and for that I feel bad. I feel stupid for catching feelings, I’ve ran through our dates, our hang outs, the hours we spent talking late into the mornings millions of times trying to figure out where I played myself. I ask myself if I regret meeting him, some days the answer is yes and other days the answer is no. But frankly, maybe I do wish I never met him at all. I would have rather never experienced this. I am grateful for the experience and I will forever remember how blissful life was for a moment
