80°c meditations w the loml

I joke that I am going to make tiktoks of the top places to cry in Lisbon. It feels like I’ve cried everywhere, el corte ingles, the sauna, the airport, multiple miradouros, parque eduardo whatever number, even the walk home from various places. I’m a pro at crying at this point. I dont think I was a big crier before moving here. I was emotionally constipated with all the built up emotions from all the times I should have cried in the past but I didn’t.

I cry not only because I miss bits of my old life or because I’ve been hella heartbroken but because of the uncertainty of the new life I am building. I don’t really know what I am doing and I know everyone says no one else knows what they’re doing but I literally spend some of my days buying hot sauces and reviewing them on Instagram stories. (El Chilito hot sauce, if you happen to be reading this you are the only hot sauce I’ve given 100 out of 10 chilitos to. I am a huge fan, please send me hot sauce.) This is the longest I’ve gone without a job, and to be honest, I am so burned out, the most I’ve done to look for a job is say “I am going to start looking for a job”.

I’ve done things to numb the sadness of losing and letting go of so much in a short amount of time. Maybe its a toxic belief, but I don’t believe in relying on others. I’ve been let down so often by so many, that it just doesn't feel like it’s worth the risk. I’ve tried to deal with things on my own, at times to my own detriment. If I would have dealt with my problems as they came up, I probably wouldn't have crashed and burned so badly.

I first thought of sauna and cold showers as a form of self-flagellation, punishment for allowing myself to be comfortable for so long, for people pleasing, catching feelings when I should have kept my heart guarded, for believing I could trust when I shouldn’t have. I am not used to seeing people live in ease. Even now that I have the opportunity to take a break, I feel like I am doing something wrong. Like I am going to get in trouble, by who, I’m not exactly sure — the life police? God?? Steve Harvey??? It also feels wrong to tell people I am unemployed, living in Europe.. IT FEELS WRONG! This is also something my support system at home cannot comprehend. It feels like an oxymoron to them — no work, no money!

Growing up in an immigrant household I was engrained with the mindset that life was hard, nothing gets handed to you. People like us don’t get to do the things other people get to. We don’t get to see the world or live a life that isn’t full of stress or know what it means to have jobs and careers outside of what was available in retail or some sort of hard labor. When my parents started making some money, the expectation for me was to get an education and some sort of corporate job that allowed me to live at least one economic level above what my they lived. It took me forever but I finished school and I fell into my corporate job — it wasn't something I wanted to do, I didn’t grow up saying I was going to work in HR or in recruiting. I wasn’t a baby dlo dreaming of working in an office. I swore I was going to grow up to be on television, and make people laugh! I wanted to make videos, do skits, direct movies. All my Barbies had fun jobs, none of this secretary Barbie or office police tom foolery!!

I believe that one way we can come home to ourselves is to think back to what made us happy as children — unbridled joy, untainted with fears of the economy or colonoscopies. We weren’t afraid to be ourselves and live completely full of ourselves and our energy without insecurities. I see how creative, happy, and silly my niece and nephews are, it is possible to recover. As little ones, we did what made us happy. If we were blessed with parents who supported and nurtured our curiosities, they became skills we kept into adulthood.

I am a free spirit, I hate this about myself, it makes me feel like an ungrateful brat. I wish I could be like most people, be happy with a spouse and 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a hefty retirement fund. For so long I tried to suppress this feral person that lived inside of me but I don’t think it’s possible to box away something that is such an intrinsic part of who you are. It’s like trying to stuff Big Bird’s big ass into one of those little Baggu bags — impossible.

I am in a chapter of my life where I am free to do whatever I want, it’s almost as terrifying as being stuck in the life I didn’t want. I’m reverting back to my childlike ways, rediscovering games I used to play, picking up a camera and recording my daily adventures across Lisbon, making short commercials about my favorite shoes and beauty products, documenting my lived experiences with strokes of a light up gaming keyboard. It doesn't really matter if anyone will read or watch, the act of doing it is therapeutic in itself.

For the longest time I lied to myself about wanting to be seen, I was too self conscious and not brave enough to put myself on display for the world to see. I thought of myself as an ultra-exclusive invite-only pizza restaurant in Kyoto but if I don't share myself with others, how will the hungry people that need me find me? There will be no ultra-exclusive invite-only pizza restaurant in Kyoto if no one knows I exist!! I trust that the ones who are meant to witness me will see me and accept me for who I am and what I have to offer. I hope you will be gentle with me as I grow back into my childlike self and I hope you will be kind when I make mistakes. I want us all to find our way back to the people we were before the world scared it out of us. If at least one person benefits from what I am putting out in the world, then I can die happy knowing I helped.