shh!!

I’ve been going through this weird thing lately — I stopped listening to music. I have Spotify and Apple Music accounts with thousands of songs saved. I LOVE MUSIC! A way I show people I care about them is by making them a playlist. Whether this person is a friend, a lover, someone I care about in any way, it doesn’t matter — I make them a playlist. If this was 2009, I would be burning them CDs but alas, it is 2024 and no one owns a CD burner or a CD player.

I first noticed I stopped listening to music when I was on a walk home from getting my nails done. I had my AirPods in but nothing was playing. It might have been out of habit or maybe I was signaling to people I didn’t want them to talk to me, yo no se. But, that moment made me realize that I haven’t been listening to anything for a while. The last whole album I recall listening to was the flute music album by Andre 3000. Other than that it has been random songs here and there.

My whole life has had some sort of background music, whether it was when I was young listening to my mom’s Mexican love ballads, in my youth listening to my sister’s oldies music, or in my teens, completely obsessed with whatever song was popular at the time. The first memory I have associated with music is my cousin playing Sade when she babysat me as a wee bae.

I grew up the American way, in car culture, you know, because nothing in the US is walkable. When I started driving at 15, one of the first things I did when I got my first car was burn a CD with all my favorite songs on it. I sold my little lesbian car (my Subaru) sometime last year, this is the first time in my life that I haven’t owned a car or driven anywhere. I used to commute one hour to work and one hour back, that whole time was filled with music. Rarely would I drive anywhere without something playing. The last few months I owned a car, I was so lost in longing to be back in Lisbon, I listened to the same 5 songs on repeat.

I believe every era of my life has had some sort of soundtrack. Beyonce’s Renaissance reminds me of rollerskating down the boardwalk in Nice, Karol G’s Manana Sera Bonito reminds me of my first few months back in Lisbon, Gilsons’ Varias Queixas is the music I listened to when I was teaching myself Portuguese, SiR’s Chasing Summer is the soundtrack of the pandemic. Every era of my life has had a soundtrack or some sort of background music. I was thinking about why I opted for silence these past few months. I realized that I would lose myself in whatever emotion I was feeling then amplify it by listening to songs that reflected that mood. If I was sad, I listened to sad music, if I wanted to dance, I would put on some ass shaking music. I was running from myself by drowning out my ideas with music. Most of my thoughts and memories are associated with some song. I randomly wake up with songs stuck in my head, the other day I woke up with Pretty Ricky’s Grind With Me, LMAO.

I have speakers all over my apartment; outside, the bedroom, the bathroom, I can’t recall the last time I used any of them. I am paying more attention to my thoughts, my inner voice, other background noises. When my mom came to visit, I noticed how much my mom sings. She is always doing something while singing some sort of Mexican love song. It is something I always remember my mom doing but I noticed how her singing would fill the apartment with a different kind of energy. Everything felt more alive in a way, less lonely, more colorful.

These past few months don’t have a soundtrack, depression and grief stole my favorite things and I guess music was one of the things it snatched from me. I am not sure if I miss constantly listening to music. I will randomly have a song come to mind, I will listen to the song and then move on with my day. I won’t have a playlist going like I once did. Some music is married to memories I want to forget and for that reason, I have avoided listening to my favorite songs. I honestly could care less about what is popular right now. The artists whose music I have gone out of my way to listen to have been Beyonce and Kendrick Lamar.. I randomly sing “BBL Drizzyy, BBL Drizzzzzy” but thats because of all the videos I have seen online and well, I find any beef with Drake entertaining.

I sit in the park and my nosey ass enjoys listening in on other’s conversations. I enjoy hearing people’s accents and guessing where they are from. I fantasize about what kind of life they live when they are not on holiday, what kind of work they do, what their relationships with each other are like. I like hearing others speak in Portuguese. I find it fun to distinguish between the Brazilian speakers and the European speakers. Brazilian Portuguese reminds me a lot of Mexican Spanish whereas European Portuguese reminds me of Spanish from Spain. Brazilian and Mexican version of languages are easier for me to understand. They’re easier on the ear, sound more musical and pleasant, the European versions sound like they are upset and arguing.

I like listening to the sounds of nature, well as close to nature as I can get living in a city — birds squawking, children screaming, people gossiping and laughing. Sometimes at the park there will be older couples romantically dancing to old Portuguese music. Maybe the lack of music is another way I am finding my way back home to myself, without the distraction of previous memories and thoughts. I do get tired of the silence and listening to myself but thats where my handy dandy journal, these silly blog posts or calling a friend come in handy. A silent life has made me connect with my environment and others more.