recovering

Hello my love, it has been a while. It is not that I haven’t wanted to talk to you. I still have been writing, the essays are in my Notion collecting digital dust. I have been neglecting my blog because I have been too busy going to the beach, learning to cook and feeling better and more like myself. This is a good thing, great actually!

Some random updates:

My therapist broke up with me. This is a good thing, usually break ups sound like something negative but in this scenario, it is not. I clearly am feeling better, so much better I don’t need him anymore. Our sessions went from an hour of retelling sad stories to an hour of me telling him how hopeful and excited I am for the future. I haven’t decided what to do to celebrate but I am sure I will think of something fun.

I am taking a break from looking for a job. I am tired of worrying about being employed, I am tired of being worried period but a time out to recalibrate felt extremely needed. At times it seems like the people more concerned about my employment status are people who don’t fund my lifestyle. like, daddy, chill! It will work out, it always has and always will!! My new favorite excuse to say no to things I don’t want to do is that I am saving money. Which is only a half lie because it is mostly true.

My mental diet

The word ‘diet’ has negative connotations but a mental reframe was extremely important. I had been trying to flip my thoughts for a year. I started thinking in a way that was not me. In the before times, before my Great Sadness, I was the most confident, optimistic, silly person then it stopped, I did a complete 180. I completely forgot who I was and to be honest, if I was in any type of relationship with me, I would have distanced myself from me.

It didn’t take long for me to grow tired of this way of thinking. There was no more gas in my mental tank but the nearest fueling station felt a country away. Something clicked one day in June, what it was, I am not sure, but any time a thought I didn’t like would pop into my mind I would immediately stop and think about something else. I adopted a list of affirmations that I would constantly recite in my mind to try to reprogram my brain. It was difficult at first, but it became easier as I practiced and being tired of my own shit was a phenomenal motivator.

Other than feeling better about myself, changing my mental diet has had some interesting and unexpected consequences. People who have done me wrong in the past have been randomly messaging me asking for forgiveness about how they treated me. Maybe it has nothing to do with my new way of thinking but one of my affirmations had something to do with people seeing my value.

My micro documentaries

I have a drawer full of cameras. When I was younger, I loved film production. I enjoyed filming, editing, and telling a story! I decided to get a bit more serious about having fun and start practicing what I preach. I have been using my baby cam, DJI Osmo Pocket, and making videos! I enjoy going on little adventures and making my friends guest star in what I am calling my micro documentaries, “vlog” sounds hella reductive and I am more than just “content”. Making these videos has also helped my menty health. I have been saying yes to more invitations because I NEED to have stuff for my videos. The videos are mostly about tasty restaurants around Lisbon and adventures in the greater Lisbon area. It has been fun, I am having a GREAT time. These micro documentaries are going to turn into YouTube videos eventually, but for now, they are on IG and Tiktok. You can find them at @/ dolores.esp on both.

Anyway, thats all for now. I will post the other essays soon! byeee!!!