honestly, nevermind
The acceptance phase of a breakup is bittersweet. Replaying moments you had together become easier to ignore, their address is no longer at the top of your Uber, you no longer keep mental notes of things you wish you could share with him. My heart no longer sinks to my ass whenever I see guys in bucket hats.
I had a flight to the old country a few hours after the breakup happened. When I returned weeks later, I found a little toy he gave me on my bed along with the things I had left at his place. I was in such a bad state that I forgot to put that stuff away.
I was haunted by little things that reminded me of him. It felt like every other person I met for a while had his name. It felt as if life was doing it on purpose. I had to get rid of the things that reminded me of him because they would make me spiral. I even had to start a new journal because the old one was filled with our memories and I couldn’t handle it.
I coped with this breakup in the worst ways. I think there was one week I was drunk every day. I went on dates with people just to keep myself distracted, I had to stop when a rebound I was seeing for a bit tried to hit me. I couldn't focus, sleep, or eat. Everything was bad.
I wish I could be the person who automatically detaches and doesn’t cave in when you’re no contact, but that's not me. I can't keep my cool, I can’t keep my composure I don’t know how to pretend to not care. I clearly have a ton of feelings, a way with words, and a lot to say.
me showing my whole ass
I am a drunk paragraph texter. The worst part is that I delete the thread so I don’t know what I say but I know I was in his messages showing my whole ass (metaphorically) embarrassing myself. Shrek says its better out than in, I forgive myself for how insane I acted during this time. I have NEVER taken a break up this bad.
This was my rock bottom.
my baby bayang
To acknowledge that I am now at a point where I have moved past that phase is exciting. To commemorate the occasion, I wanted a pixie cut but was talked out of it, so impulsively, I got baby bangs instead. Thank goodness I can pull them off, or else this would have been a reeaaaally long few months.
I wish I no longer thought about him, but he's like a little rock in my shoe that I sometimes step on. The grief comes in waves, I still mourn our friendship. I am almost free.. I hope.
I have been reflecting on what this experience meant to me. It was the worst period of my life, but something had to come out of it!! I realized that if I had not gone through this breakup, this blog would not exist.
