beautiful, big titty, butt naked women

I am emotionally unavailable and tired of accidentally showing my ass (embarrassing myself and sending paragraphs) about this guy I’m trying to get over. I have decided to retire from the sport of dating. I realized it was time when I went on a date the wish dot com version of him. I apologize to all the people waiting for a reply on Hinge.

Now that I have time to focus, I have decided to direct my attention to more pressing matters: making friends.

I meet the best people when I am naked. I am serious, I meet my favorite people when I am at a spa or in a hammam or gym sauna. There is something about being naked with other women that makes you want to share and connect. Maybe its because we’re all out of our costumes and face paint there is not much to judge others on and everyone feels good because of the environment.

Maybe its the vulnerability of being stripped down that makes it easier to connect and talk about life or maybe its because there is a ton of us who moved to Portugal from other countries who are longing for connection. Yes, there are meet ups but I personally don’t connect with the idea of organized hang outs. It feels too much like speed dating and it reminds me of choreographed dances like El Caballo Dorado or Cupid Shuffle. I like to meet people organically, in person, without a defined agenda. Maybe its because it feels a little more natural and people seem to be more authentic.

I like when you meet someone, bond over something and be like yeah, this is going to be the homie. I knew Karla was going to be a good friend after we bonded in a hammam in the South of France, or how I like to call it, South of Franch.

Karla and I were classmates, we knew of each other but we weren’t really friends. She hung out with the smart kids and I liked to ditch class. We connected again on Instagram, we would like each others stories, comment on pictures, etc.

During this time I was deep in my Plantie Bae era. She sent me a message asking if she could call me for some plant advice. We originally started talking on Facetime, we would talk about astrology then eventually turned into us chatting about life. I had just decided to go to Europe for the summer. She was dropping out of her PhD program and was coming back to San Diego. I invited her to come to Franch with me and she said yes.

She met up with me in Nice. She was hella jet lagged and I wanted to go to the hammam sOo I asked if she wanted to come with me and she was down. This was our first time seeing each other since high school.

We stripped down and put our robes on, we were ready for relaxation. First we went in the sauna, it was alright, then we moved on to the Turkish bath — this is where the fun begins. We were by ourselves butt naked in a hot, steamy room. We were in the Turkish bath for like an hour, way longer than we were supposed to be. We were both laying on our respective mats facing the opposite direction, spread eagle, melting and cackling. When the first 30 minutes passed, someone came to ask us if we were ready for the scrub down. We were so relaxed Karla looked at the lady through her legs and shoo’d her away as if she owned the place. We realized what she had done and we died laughing. We moved on to the best part of the Hammam experience, the scrub down. For some reason they treated us like a couple. We laid on tables next to each other while two ladies scrubbed our flesh off. After, they made us share the tiniest shower, we were literally crammed in there butt to butt.

The AirBnb we stayed at in Nice lied to me about having air conditioning when I booked it, but it had this nice long balcony with tables and chairs that got a nice breeze. It was a million degrees in Nice and we were dying, the only place that was cool enough to hang out was the balcony. This is when we became the Porch Trolls.

We would go to the market buy snacks and wine then run back to the apartment to melt on the porch. We spent HOURS on that balcony drunk as fuck, talking about anything and everything until 3am almost every night. We cried, we laughed, we smoked, we talked shit very loudly.. every night for two weeks. I’m sure everyone in our neighborhood hated us. We ate and drank our weight in oysters and champagne. We shopped so much the sales associates at Galeries Lafayette knew our names. By the end of our time in the South of Franch, we became Shrek and Donkey, Bert and Ernie, Cheech and Chong, thick as thieves.