try a little tenderness

I am not a person who gets embarrassed easily. I don't really care about doing embarrassing things because I know people are more worried about themselves than they are about me. Knowing this has given me enough grace to not care so much and just be myself.

Today, I am going to share the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me. This is straight out of my journal, please be kind. The most embarrassing thing I've done is not snoring during my lash appointment, walking around with my dress tucked into my undies, or talking to someone with a booger on my face. These things don't really bother me, they're actually kind of funny. I usually do things for the story and these things are fun to tell my friends afterward.

The most embarrassing thing that has happened to me is falling in love with someone who didn't feel the same way about me.

I am Latina; my people invented the concept of love and yearning. Being a lover girl runs through my veins. I can't run from it, I can't escape it; it's an intrinsic part of my being. How did I know I was in love? The thought of this person consumed me and I asked ChatGPT. I would think about him all day, every day. I felt insane; this was an unfamiliar experience for me. I loved everything about him. I looked at him the way Rihanna looks at A$AP Rocky.

I loved the way his face scrunched up when he took a gigantic, Kirby-sized bite of a wrap, and the little noises he would randomly make when he was thinking. Most surprisingly, I was obsessed with the way his underarms smelled. I know, it's strange, but I couldn't get enough. They’re called pheromones, it's a thing, OKAY. The sound of his voice was soothing. I loved learning everything about him, his childhood, his siblings, and random little things about his life. I memorized and studied him as if it was my job and I was getting paid top dollar to know everything about him. I imagined what our life together would be like, what our kids would look like. I imagined going on vacations to Japan with our imaginary children, then returning to one of our beautiful homes that looked like it was straight out the Architectural Digest decorated with art from Tate Modern. The thought of him not being in my life felt like someone was stomping on my chest. The love and the yearning was real, I felt crazy. I realized I was in too deep.

I've never been the type to fall in love; I don't enjoy dating. While I like people, I never envision dating or being in a relationship with them. For a time, I thought I was a me-sexual because I only liked myself, I never liked anyone enough to date them. I'm not fond of people in my space, I don't like being touched or hugged excessively. Flirting is my sport, I'm a prolific, Olympic gold medalist at it. It's not as if there's a lack of suitors — I love my fans. I'm not unattractive, nor do I have the worst personality. I don't like wasting my time on things I know I don't want to do, so I don't go on dates just for the fun of it. I hope the picture is clear; I don't date, I don’t fall in love.

I was in love with this man, but he did not feel the same way about me. We were in a little bubble when we were together. He told me he caught feelings for me, we spent hundreds of hours together — he enjoyed hanging out and being with me, but that's about it. Sorry, I misunderstood you telling me you liked me.. as you liking me. When he found out how much I liked him, he looked at me as if I were stupid. Like, "Oh, you thought this was for real? LMAO be serious”. Almost as if I was the ickiest thing ever and I had just contaminated him with my ickiness. I LOVED him and he didn’t give two shits about me.. I was devastated. After we stopped seeing each other, it took him about two weeks to find a replacement girl. He might as well have pushed me off the top floor of the Burj Khalifa.

I know I'm not the only person to experience this. People have written songs about unrequited love for thousands of years. My people, Latinos, have hundreds of songs about yearning for unrequited love. Here I was, identifying with songs I've sung hundreds of times before without paying attention to the lyrics and thinking, "Damn, is this... about me right now?"

It took me FOREVER to get over it. People reassured me it would get better. There are tons of flavors of ice cream. Yeah, I bet they’re all good, but I liked the way that one specifically tasted. Maybe I am a little jaded now... not maybe, I am for sure jaded. Friends tell me about their relationship problems and the first thing that instinctively comes out of my mouth is, “Oh, so when are you breaking up with them?” (If I’ve ever done this to you, I am sorry!!) I stopped watching rom-coms, I hate dating shows. I took it hard.

In retrospect, maybe I wasn't in love with him. Maybe I just liked how safe I felt and the way I felt about myself when I was with him. I can’t explain the underarm thing, that was just gross. The best thing that came out of this is that I learned how much capacity I have to love someone. It is possible for me to like someone enough to love them and let them touch me and sit next to me.

He will probably never read this, or know this is about him, it is likely he never thinks about me anymore. But wherever he is, doing whatever he is doing, I hope he is at peace and I hope he is happy.